| | Colbert looks for solutions to 'total financial extinction'
 Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert attacked the thorny problem of how to fix the nation's financial crisis on Wednesday and attempted to determine whether or not a $700 billion bailout will really help.
"We are on the brink of total financial extinction," Colbert began. "Thank god, just a few hours ago Senator John McCain stood up and showed us he has the grit and resolve to lead America through this dark time. ... He is suspending his campaign."
"I, for one, cannot think of anything more presidential," commented Colbert. "Being president demands suspending all kinds of things. Habeas corpus. Gitmo prisoners. ... Of course, cynics are going to say McCain is just using this crisis to appear presidential while ducking Friday's first presidential debate."
Insisting that McCain "does not care about politics," Colbert briefly joined him by suspending his own show, sitting quietly in the dark, sighing "Country First," and drinking a bottle of beer. However, he gave that up when informed the financial crisis hadn't automatically ended as a result.
Colbert then turned to the testimony of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, who told Congress on Tuesday that Americans "got put on the hook by the system we have, the system we all let happen, the system that Congress, the administration, future administrations let exist."
"Do you hear that?" ranted Colbert. "The real blame lies with future administrations. ... How dare they will have!"
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke further explained that the figure of $700 billion is only a guess, because "just as when you sell a painting at Southeby's ... nobody knows what it's worth until the auction's over."
"Art is an excellent analogy," applauded Colbert, "because I think a lot of people are looking at our economy now and saying, 'My five year old could have done that.'"
Colbert finally brought on New York Times business columnist Joe Nocera and asked him, "Tell me ... how this bill can save the economy."
"It's going to save the economy because there's nothing else," Nocera replied sadly. "It's the last thing they got. If this doesn't work, we're in ..."
"$700 billion is the last thing they've got?" interrupted Colbert.
"I think it could be more like a trillion two, a trillion three," Nocera replied. "They don't know how much the stuff is worth that they're going to buy, and they're pretty much going to make it up as they go along."
When Colbert asked why the government can't just fix the problem the way it fixes everything else, by cutting taxes again, Nocera explained, "That was the old days. Now it's the today day, and you can't do that any more. ... We're out of money and we have these giant debts and you can't make believe any more."
This video is from Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, broadcast September 24, 2008.
Download video via RawReplay.com
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